69 Famous Quotes by Dave Barry
7/3/1947 - (Present)
Professions:
Information:
About Dave Barry
David "Dave" Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning American author and columnist, who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody, as well as comedic novels.
Barry was born in Armonk, New York, where his father—also named David Barry—was a Presbyterian minister. He was educated at Wampus Elementary School and Harold C. Crittenden Junior High School, and Pleasantville High School where he was elected "Class Clown" in 1965. He earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in English from Haverford College in 1969. In his book, Dave Barry's Greatest Hits, he stated that during college he was in a band called "The Federal Duck."
As the son of a minister and an alumnus of a Quaker-affiliated college, Barry avoided military service during the Vietnam War by registering as a religious conscientious objector.
After divorcing his college sweetheart, Barry married his second wife, Beth Lenox, in 1976 and they had one child, Robert, in 1980. Barry and Beth worked together at the Daily Local News in West Chester, PA, where they began their journalism careers on the same day in September 1971. Barry and Lenox divorced in 1993. In 1996, Barry married Miami Herald sportswriter Michelle Kaufman; they had a daughter, Sophie, in 2000. He has had dogs named Earnest, Zippy, and now Lucy. All are mentioned regularly in Barry's columns.
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Holidays
Quotes, by Dave Barry
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings
Humanity
Quotes, by Dave Barry
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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
Humor
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks
Internet
Quotes, by Dave Barry
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While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings.
Internet
Quotes, by Dave Barry
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The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
Internet
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What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem', can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo
Internet
Quotes, by Dave Barry
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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Inventions
Quotes, by Dave Barry
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We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
Journalism
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Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot masturbate
Meetings
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
People
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You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'
Pets
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Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Popularity
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A Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn
Pornography
Quotes, by Dave Barry
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The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
Problems
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The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?
Questioning
Quotes, by Dave Barry
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The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
Religion
Quotes, by Dave Barry
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Religion
Quotes, by Dave Barry
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Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Science
Quotes, by Dave Barry
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Science
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And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By they I mean computers: I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)
Scientists
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We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just about any wacky thing they tell us, especially if it involves outer space.
Scientists
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I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
Ski
Quotes, by Dave Barry
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