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 Jack Handy Quotes
103 Famous Quotes by Jack Handy

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other

Boxing Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
31 votes

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness

Weakness Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
18 votes

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
16 votes

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
19 votes

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
22 votes

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
18 votes

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
16 votes

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
15 votes

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
12 votes

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
17 votes

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
17 votes

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
15 votes

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
19 votes

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
8 votes

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
13 votes

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
14 votes

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
11 votes

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
11 votes

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
7 votes

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
6 votes

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
8 votes

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
11 votes

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
18 votes

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
8 votes

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
6 votes