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 Jack Handey Quotes
29 Famous Quotes by Jack Handey
2/25/1949 - (Present)
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About Jack Handey

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

5 out of 5 stars
4 votes

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

5 out of 5 stars
5 votes

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver…and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

5 out of 5 stars
4 votes

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like 'Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, 'That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

5 out of 5 stars
2 votes

To me, Judo is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers knock each other down.

Judo Quotes, by Jack Handey

5 out of 5 stars
2 votes

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Funny Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
8 votes

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
7 votes

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
5 votes

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
3 votes

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
8 votes

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
4 votes

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
4 votes

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
6 votes

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
6 votes

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
9 votes

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
5 votes

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
6 votes

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
5 votes

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
4 votes

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
4 votes

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
4 votes

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it 'dull' that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
2 votes

Martha was watching the football game with me when she said, 'You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group.' 'Yeah,' I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

Sports:football Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
1 votes

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Life Quotes, by Jack Handey

4 out of 5 stars
3 votes

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes