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 Jack Handey Quotes
29 Famous Quotes by Jack Handey
2/25/1949 - (Present)
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About Jack Handey

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

3 out of 5 stars
3 votes

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

3 out of 5 stars
2 votes