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 Jack Handey Quotes
29 Famous Quotes by Jack Handey
2/25/1949 - (Present)
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About Jack Handey

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

3 out of 5 stars
3 votes

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Humor Quotes, by Jack Handey

2 out of 5 stars
3 votes