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 Jack Handy Quotes
103 Famous Quotes by Jack Handy

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other

Boxing Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
49 votes

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

Cowardice Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
38 votes

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness

Weakness Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
40 votes

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
44 votes

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
37 votes

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
54 votes

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
40 votes

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
29 votes

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
30 votes

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
21 votes

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
36 votes

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
25 votes

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
27 votes

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
26 votes

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
24 votes

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
15 votes

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
24 votes

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
14 votes

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
33 votes

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
19 votes

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
16 votes

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
18 votes

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
10 votes

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
18 votes

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
7 votes