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 Jack Handy Quotes
103 Famous Quotes by Jack Handy

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

5 out of 5 stars
6 votes

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other

Boxing Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
29 votes

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now

Richness Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
13 votes

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness

Weakness Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
15 votes

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
16 votes

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
13 votes

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
19 votes

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
10 votes

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
9 votes

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
13 votes

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
14 votes

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
13 votes

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
13 votes

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
12 votes

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
11 votes

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
14 votes

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
13 votes

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
12 votes

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
12 votes

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
16 votes

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
5 votes

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
11 votes

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
14 votes

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
8 votes

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
10 votes