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 Jack Handy Quotes
103 Famous Quotes by Jack Handy

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
5 votes

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
5 votes

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
8 votes

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
17 votes

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
5 votes

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
6 votes

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
7 votes

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
4 votes

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
10 votes

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
3 votes

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
12 votes

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
8 votes

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
6 votes

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
6 votes

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
14 votes

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
5 votes

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

Cowardice Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

Danger Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
2 votes

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
14 votes

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
13 votes

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
4 votes

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
10 votes

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes