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 Jack Handy Quotes
103 Famous Quotes by Jack Handy

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
19 votes

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
8 votes

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
6 votes

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
11 votes

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
7 votes

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
13 votes

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
5 votes

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
14 votes

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
11 votes

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
6 votes

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
6 votes

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
9 votes

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
8 votes

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
4 votes

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
16 votes

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

4 out of 5 stars
7 votes

When angels visit us, we do not hear the rustle of wings, nor feel the feathery touch of the breast of a dove; but we know their presence by the love they create in our hearts.

Angels Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

Cowardice Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
10 votes

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

Danger Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
2 votes

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now

Richness Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
16 votes

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
16 votes

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
18 votes

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
12 votes

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes