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 Jack Handy Quotes
103 Famous Quotes by Jack Handy

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
13 votes

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
4 votes

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
15 votes

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
17 votes

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
12 votes

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
28 votes

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
24 votes

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
23 votes

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
15 votes

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
27 votes

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
25 votes

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
14 votes

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
18 votes

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
24 votes

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
16 votes

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
27 votes

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
14 votes

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
4 votes

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
10 votes

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
20 votes

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
10 votes

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes