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 Jack Handy Quotes
103 Famous Quotes by Jack Handy

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
12 votes

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
14 votes

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
13 votes

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
14 votes

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
17 votes

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
12 votes

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
27 votes

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
23 votes

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
14 votes

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
15 votes

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
26 votes

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
24 votes

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
15 votes

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
26 votes

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
12 votes

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
12 votes

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes