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 Jack Handy Quotes
103 Famous Quotes by Jack Handy

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
4 votes

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
3 votes

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
10 votes

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
23 votes

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
10 votes

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
12 votes

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
4 votes

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
4 votes

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
2 votes

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes