If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did.".
Deep thoughts
Quotes, by Jack Handy
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The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
Deep thoughts
Quotes, by Jack Handy
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I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Deep thoughts
Quotes, by Jack Handy
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If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
Deep thoughts
Quotes, by Jack Handy
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If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
Deep thoughts
Quotes, by Jack Handy
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As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Deep thoughts
Quotes, by Jack Handy
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Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
Deep thoughts
Quotes, by Jack Handy
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To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Deep thoughts
Quotes, by Jack Handy
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What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
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Quotes, by Jack Handy
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I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!".
Deep thoughts
Quotes, by Jack Handy
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Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Deep thoughts
Quotes, by Jack Handy
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The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
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Quotes, by Jack Handy
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Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man.".
Deep thoughts
Quotes, by Jack Handy
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If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
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Quotes, by Jack Handy
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Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
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Quotes, by Jack Handy
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When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
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Quotes, by Jack Handy
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Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
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Quotes, by Jack Handy
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I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals
Opera
Quotes, by Jack Handy
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If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
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Quotes, by Jack Handy
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If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
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Quotes, by Jack Handy
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I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
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Quotes, by Jack Handy
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Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
Deep thoughts
Quotes, by Jack Handy
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