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 Jack Handy Quotes
103 Famous Quotes by Jack Handy

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
10 votes

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
12 votes

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
10 votes

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
23 votes

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
10 votes

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
15 votes

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
4 votes

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
4 votes

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes