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 Jack Handy Quotes
103 Famous Quotes by Jack Handy

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
13 votes

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
10 votes

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
10 votes

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
10 votes

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man.".

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
3 votes

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
3 votes

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
2 votes

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

Deep thoughts Quotes, by Jack Handy

3 out of 5 stars
4 votes

When angels visit us, we do not hear the rustle of wings, nor feel the feathery touch of the breast of a dove; but we know their presence by the love they create in our hearts.

Angels Quotes, by Jack Handy

2 out of 5 stars
6 votes