29 Famous Quotes by Jack Handey
2/25/1949 - (Present)
Professions:
Information:
About Jack Handey
Jack Handey is an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts. Although many people assume otherwise, Handey is a real person, not a pen name or character.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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To me, Judo is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers knock each other down.
Judo
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Funny
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver…and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
Humor
Quotes, by Jack Handey
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