My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Birth control Quotes, by Joan Rivers

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I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Exercise Quotes, by Joan Rivers

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

The present Quotes, by Joan Rivers

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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Twins Quotes, by Joan Rivers

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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly — hurt, bitterness, grief, and, mostof all, fear.

Anger Quotes, by Joan Rivers

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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Babies Quotes, by Joan Rivers

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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Key Quotes, by Joan Rivers

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