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A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A disbelief in God does not result in a belief in nothing; disbelief in God usually results in a belief in anything.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A dog who attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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Adolescence and snow are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A drop of ink may make a million think.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A face without freckles is like a sky without stars.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A fair face may fade, but a beautiful soul last forever.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A family came home from Church where the sermon was on Adam and Eve.
The Mother noticed the boy sitting on the bed feeling his ribs.She
asked what he was doing.He said, "I counted these things 3 times now. Ma ! I think I'm
having a wife.".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A farmer learns more from a bad harvest than a good one.
Author: Unknown
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A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying
books by the light of the fireplace."The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President.".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked: "What happened to the flea?".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A five year old boy was sitting down to eat when his mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied, "Mom we don't have to. We prayed over this last night." His mother had prepared leftovers from the day before.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?" The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail.".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A flea and a fly in a flue
were imprisoned so what could they do?
Said the flea "let us fly"
said the fly" let us flee"
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him."Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked."No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only.".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport."These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained."These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second."And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too,"
said the third.Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some
pepper."Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge."Toilette
pepper!".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A friend is one who knows who you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you become, and still gently invites you to grow.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A friend is someone that won't begin to talk behind your back when you leave the room.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A friend is someone who dances with you in the sunlight and walks beside you in the shadows.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly
cracked.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A friend to all is a friend to none.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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After all is said and done, more is said than done.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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After hearing two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, you begin to wonder about history.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting
sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours
trying to find it.".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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An adolescent is a person who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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An agnostic lay dying. He called his weeping child to his bedside and asked her to read to him the one text that hung on his wall. It contained a summary of his life's philosophy: GOD IS NOWHERE. The little girl began to read: "G-O-D: God; I-S: is; N-O-W: now; H-E-R-E: here. God is now here," she repeated. The mistake of the child led to her father's conversion.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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An angry person is seldom reasonable; a reasonable person is seldom angry.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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An Apple a day keeps the doctor away.But . . . an onion a day keeps
everyone away.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led
by a deer.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by way of an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, the clergyman startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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An educational system isn't worth a great deal if it teaches young people how to make a living but doesn't teach them how to make a life.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."From the back of the room a voice called out, "....... so, what are the
words?".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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An error doesn't become a mistake until you choose to ignore it.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the sky.Phychotic is the man who lives in it.And a psychiatrist collects the rent.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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Anger opens the mouth and shuts the mind.
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat. "Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?" The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will.".
Author: Unknown
Source: None
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