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 Deep thoughts Quotes, Quotations, and Sayings
97 Deep thoughts Quotes

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
23 votes

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
10 votes

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
13 votes

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
4 votes

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
4 votes

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.".

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
2 votes

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me.".

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!".

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes