World Of Quotes

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 Deep thoughts Quotes, Quotations, and Sayings
97 Deep thoughts Quotes

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!".

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
9 votes

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob.".

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
3 votes

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man.".

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
5 votes

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
2 votes

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
3 votes

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
3 votes

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
6 votes

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
2 votes

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
4 votes

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
3 votes

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

Jack Handy Quotes

2 out of 5 stars
3 votes

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

Jack Handy Quotes

2 out of 5 stars
3 votes

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Jack Handy Quotes

2 out of 5 stars
2 votes

If men cease to believe that they will one day become gods then they will surely become worms.

Henry Miller Quotes

0 out of 5 stars
0 votes