World Of Quotes

Quotes, Sayings, and Proverbs
 Deep Thoughts Quotes, Quotations, and Sayings
97 Deep Thoughts Quotes

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Jack Handy Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
20 votes

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby.".

Jack Handy Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
19 votes

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

Jack Handy Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
12 votes

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Jack Handy Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
10 votes

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

Jack Handy Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
11 votes

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Jack Handy Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
21 votes

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

Jack Handy Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
13 votes

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!".

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
20 votes

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
21 votes

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
13 votes

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
11 votes

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
13 votes

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
14 votes

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
8 votes

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
7 votes

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
13 votes

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
16 votes

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
13 votes

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
4 votes

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
15 votes

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
17 votes

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
12 votes

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
28 votes

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Jack Handy Quotes

3 out of 5 stars
24 votes