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Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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I'd rather be rich than stupid.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me.".
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!".
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob.".
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man.".
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby.".
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
Author: Jack Handy
Source: None
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