World Of Quotes

Quotes, Sayings, and Proverbs
 Humor Quotes, Quotations, and Sayings
102 Humor Quotes

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Dave Barry Quotes

5 out of 5 stars
1 votes

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Agnes Repplier Quotes , Source: Points of View

5 out of 5 stars
1 votes

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Jack Handey Quotes

5 out of 5 stars
3 votes

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Jack Handey Quotes

5 out of 5 stars
4 votes

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'

Jack Handey Quotes

5 out of 5 stars
5 votes

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.

Jack Handey Quotes

5 out of 5 stars
2 votes

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver…and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Jack Handey Quotes

5 out of 5 stars
4 votes

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Jack Handey Quotes

5 out of 5 stars
1 votes

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.

Jack Handey Quotes

5 out of 5 stars
3 votes

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like 'Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, 'That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice.

Jack Handey Quotes

5 out of 5 stars
1 votes

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it 'dull' that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

Jack Handey Quotes

5 out of 5 stars
1 votes

Those who are serious in ridiculous matters will be ridiculous in serious matters.

Cato The Elder Quotes

5 out of 5 stars
1 votes

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him.

Romain Gary Quotes

5 out of 5 stars
1 votes

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

Jack Handey Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
7 votes

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Jack Handey Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
5 votes

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Jack Handey Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
3 votes

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Jack Handey Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
7 votes

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Jack Handey Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
4 votes

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Jack Handey Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
6 votes

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

Jack Handey Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
4 votes

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

Jack Handey Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
5 votes

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Jack Handey Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
4 votes

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Jack Handey Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
4 votes

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Jack Handey Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
4 votes

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'

Jack Handey Quotes

4 out of 5 stars
2 votes