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 Humor Quotes, Quotations, and Sayings
102 Humor Quotes

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Jack Handey Quotes

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To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'

Jack Handey Quotes

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Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Jack Handey Quotes

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I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

Jerry Seinfield Quotes

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Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

Bill Cosby Quotes

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It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously.

Oscar Wilde Quotes

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A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.

Henry Ward Beecher Quotes

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Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Charles M. Schulz Quotes

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Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"

Annie Dillard Quotes

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Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Drew Carey Quotes

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

George Carlin Quotes

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I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humour.

Edward Albee Quotes , Source: Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (act I)

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The gods too are fond of a joke.

Edward Albee Quotes , Source: Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (act I)

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Unconscious humor.

Samuel Butler (1) Quotes , Source: Life and Habit

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Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

Thomas Carlyle Quotes , Source: Essays-Schiller

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In the end, everything is a gag.

Thomas Carlyle Quotes , Source: Essays-Schiller

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Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Thomas Carlyle Quotes , Source: Essays-Schiller

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I never dare to write As funny as I can.

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. Quotes , Source: The Height of the Ridiculous

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Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.

Agnes Repplier Quotes , Source: Points of View

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Now I perceive the devil understands Welsh. And 'tis no marvel he is so humorous. By'r Lady, he is a good musician.

William Shakespeare Quotes , Source: King Henry the Fourth, Part I (Hotspur at III, i)

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There's the humour of it.

William Shakespeare Quotes , Source: The Merry Wives of Windsor (I, i), inserted by Theobald from the quarto

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Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Source: The Doctor's Dilemma

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My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.

George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Source: John Bull's Other Island (act II)

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If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like 'Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, 'That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice.

Jack Handey Quotes

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Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it 'dull' that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

Jack Handey Quotes

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